Funny Birthday Toasts

Happy birthday! May you live to be so old you're wrinkled, toothless, white-haired and hunched over beyond recognition.

Happy birthday! To one of the world's absolute best-kept secret: your honest-to-goodness age. Happy birthday!

Smile! You're never going to look this young ever again. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday! Cool, friendly, clever, beautiful... but enough about me. Here's a birthday toast to you!

Happy birthday! Now that you're old enough to be a father, I have only one thing to say to you: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.

Happy birthday! Some people drink from a glass half empty and some drink from a glass half full. It’s your birthday, so drink as many glasses as you want.

If, like me, you feel nostalgic about your youth and long for the days when you worried more about acne than wrinkles, heed the words of the great Lucille Ball: "If you want to stay young, live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age!" In this spirit, happy 29th birthday...again!

May you have the hindsight to forget where you've been, the foresight to know you don’t know where you're going, and the insight to know when you should have never left your couch!

Happy birthday and congratulations. You've finally reached a milestone that all of us older folks must attain: the age of wisdom. That's when you suddenly know everything but everybody under your age pretends to listen to you. Don't worry, I'll always lend you an ear when you feel the need to bestow your wisdom.

I've always heard that every wrinkle has a story. You must have a War and Peace-size novel written all over your face. Happy birthday!

To the oldest hippie I know: welcome to the 60s — the age, not the decade. Happy 60th birthday.

May you die on your 120th birthday in bed with your wife, who becomes so distraught that she quits her job at Hooters.

To middle age, a time in your life when the biggest obstacle to divorce is the thought of showing your birthday suit to somebody new. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. There comes a moment of such clarity, such certainty, when you realize you are old: the moment somebody offers you their seat on a bus...and you take it. May you never go gently into that good seat.

To our birthday boy who is aging wonderfully: Nothing about you is getting too old, except a few of your jokes and stories. Maybe a little more than a few. Happy birthday!

Here's to the birthday boy who's discovered what really separates the men from the boys — many, many years.

Happy birthday. May you never get so old at heart that you find men with combovers attractive.

Happy birthday. May your idea of a hot time never be sleeping with a heating pad. Here's to heat rubs.

Today, I would like to toast our birthday boy and, in the process, defend his dignity. My friend, if anybody ever calls you an old man, you should look them in the eyes with your bifocals, hit them over the head with your cane and throw your dentures at them! Happy birthday, you old fart!

Happy birthday. May you always see life in a large way and, more importantly, in large print.

Happy birthday! When I look at all birthday candles on your cake, I have two thoughts: one, you've been fortunate to have such a long, illustrious life and, two, I hope your fire insurance premiums are up to date.

Here's to you reaching the age when the compliments you receive about your looks are regularly accompanied by the refrain "for someone your age." Happy birthday. 

As you travel through life, may your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandma's teeth.

Here's to getting older, getting wrinkles, getting age spots, getting jowls, getting anything but the acne we had as teenagers! Happy birthday!

The good die young, so here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age, being a bad, bad man. Happy birthday!

May you be happy on your birthday and every day of your life...and may your enemies know it.

As Mark Twain once said, “When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.” Happy birthday and happy trails, my friend!

I've heard it said many times that wisdom comes with age. I must say I'm not convinced…I know lots of stupid middle-aged and old people. As of today, you don't fall into this group but I'm watching you. Happy birthday.

For your birthday, I have two wishes for you: may you celebrate with a bottle of 25-year-old single malt scotch and a 25 year old.

I've always been told that time heals all wounds, but nobody ever warned me that it also brings wrinkles the size of the Grand Canyon and skin as saggy as a Basset Hound. Still, it's better than the alternative...you know, acne! Happy birthday!

As a good friend, it's my duty to tell you that, at your age, blowing out your candles may not be a great idea. Your dentures may fly out and seriously injure someone. Just saying. Anyway, happy birthday.

To a true gentleman who has never forgotten his roots, his Alma Mater or the city that brought him success. Of course, at his age, it's probably because he's forgotten just about everything else. Happy birthday! Cheers!

Nothing but the best for our birthday girl. That's why she has us as friends. Happy birthday!

Here's to your fountain of youth. No matter what age you are, you don't look it. The only way I know you're as old as me is because a little birdie told me that your chiropractor sends you a birthday card every year.

Today is a perfect day to raise our glasses to our boss — the only man I am afraid of! Happy birthday, boss!

To your birthday, let’s raise our glasses high and thank goodness that it's you who's older — not us.

Here's to growing older gracefully. Sure, you're not a young buck anymore, but you're nowhere near grumpy, old farthood either. So have a great birthday!

This will be a very short toast. With all the candles on your birthday cake, I'm afraid it may be too late to call the fire department if my toast goes over even a few seconds. So, I want to wish you a very fast, very happy birthday. Cheers!

This should be a day of celebration. Things could always be worse, much worse. Look at it this way, a decade from today you will be a decade older. Happy birthday!

Happy birthday! Here's to a birthday bash we won't be able to remember tomorrow morning with friends who won't let us forget tonight's stupidity for years to come.

The other day, I walked into a museum and everywhere were old relics that date back to the dawn of time. It made me think of you. Happy birthday!

Happy birthday! There, I said it. Yes, you and I are getting older. Sure, we get more wrinkles every day. But things could be a lot worse. We could be dead or, heaven forbid, teenagers.

Now that you're 21, we can legally do what we've done secretly since we were barely in our teens — drink to your health. Here’s to you. Happy birthday! 

Happy birthday! You’re getting to the age when you should not take everything so seriously or personally. You should really start laughing at yourself. Besides, your kids do it every time you open your mouth.

If I were you, I would be happy if I was you — at least you can wake up every morning with a smile…not with false teeth and smile lines. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday! Now that you’re old enough to leave the nest, I have some great wisdom to impart: always take life's troubles with a grain of salt...plus a slice of lemon and a bottle of tequila. Cheers!

I would like to raise a glass to your youthful vigor and vitality but, as the great John Glenn once said, "There's still no cure for the common birthday."

Happy birthday! May you get so old that you completely forget how old you are and lying about your age would be a federal offense (or just plain offensive).