Funny Birthday Wishes & Quotes

Happy birthday. Don't be grumpy that you're a year older. Keep your chin up…if you can!

Happy birthday! If anyone calls you old, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them! 

Happy birthday. For you, the only way to look younger is to add at least a decade to your age.

Happy birthday! I wouldn't say you're getting old. Well, I wouldn't say it to your face.

Happy birthday! I wouldn't say you're getting older. You're just getting old.

Happy birthday! I wouldn't call you old. I would call you elderly, decrepit, feeble, infirm, on your last legs (but not "old").

Do you hear that whooshing sound? That's the sound of your youth going down the drain. Happy birthday.

Do you hear that cracking sound? That's the sound of your arteries starting to harden. Happy birthday.

You don't look a day older than you did yesterday. You look much older than that. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday! I was planning to write you a special poem for your birthday, but I couldn't find any words that rhyme with decrepitude.

Happy birthday! The best advice I ever heard when I got older was “savor the little things in life.” Of course, you first need to see them, which is impossible at our age.

Happy birthday! Don’t let your age get you down. Pretty soon, gravity will do the job for you.

Happy birthday! You are not old. You are old enough to do what you want and pretend you don't remember doing it.

Happy birthday! You've been granted another chance to show that getting older means getting wiser (not just tired and achy).

Happy birthday. You’re at an age when you find out you won't be getting any wiser!

Happy birthday. May all your birthday wishes come true — except the ones that make you richer, healthier and happier than me!

Happy birthday. Thank you for being the oldest person in the room.

Happy birthday. Even if you calculated your age in dog years, you would still be, well, old.

Happy birthday! As your younger [sister, brother], it’s my duty to remind you that you’re still older than me.

Happy birthday! When I turn your age, I will still be younger than you!

Happy birthday! Today is the first day of the rest of your decrepitude (I mean, life).

Happy birthday! Today is the first day of the rest of your tired and achy life.

Happy birthday! Today is the first day of the rest of your Jurassic period.

Wish you were a kid again? Wish you had no money, no credit, no car, no privacy and no freedom? No? I thought so. Have a happy birthday instead!

Happy birthday! Wish you looked younger today? Not going to happen. Next wish?

Happy birthday! Wish you looked younger today? Here are directions to the nearest retirement home.

Happy birthday! You're not old yet. You'll know you're old when your birthday candles cost more than your birthday cake.

Happy birthday! You're not old yet. You'll know when you're old once your kids have the fire department on speed dial when you blow out your birthday candles.

Happy birthday! Now's the perfect time to start treating your kids to life's luxuries — since, in a few years, they’ll be treating you to a nursing home.

Happy birthday! You're old enough to fall in love, walk down the aisle and make us grandparents — in that order, of course.

Happy birthday! Your better half just told me that you’re getting better with age. Did you start to do chores around the house?

Happy birthday! For today only, whatever age you're turning is the new 20.

Happy birthday. May you live to be so old that you redefine old person smell. 

Happy birthday. At your age, you should really try to see everything as large as life…starting with LARGE print.

Happy birthday! At our age, I don't know why people expect us to remember their birthdays. On a good day, we're lucky if we even remember where our car keys are! 

Happy birthday! Considering all the candles on your cake, I hope you remembered to top up your fire insurance.

Happy birthday! Don't count the candles on your cake. Just be glad that you're not down for the count.

Happy birthday! At this point in your life, you should really think of making a new start. You should really start lying about your age.

Happy birthday! You've finally reached the age of wisdom but nobody wants to listen to you.

Happy birthday! There's a good way to figure out if you're getting old: when you start to get brain dexterity games as birthday gifts.

Happy birthday. I guess we've reached the age when every compliment we get is typically accompanied by "for someone your age."  

Happy birthday. You know you're getting older when you go from being “carded” for alcohol purchases to being asked, "would you like the senior's discount, sir?"

Happy birthday. Stop counting your candles and start counting your blessings. You still have hair on your head, not in your ears and nose! 

You know how most people, on your birthday, tell you, "you never seem to age." Well, I’m not one of them. Happy birthday, old fart!

Yes, you’re getting older and wrinklier every day, but it could be worse. You could still have an acne problem! Happy birthday!

They say that with age comes wisdom. I’m not so sure. I've met a lot of really stupid old people. So far, you're not one of them. Happy birthday.

Whoever said that time waits for no man, but stands still for a woman of 30, is an idiot. No woman in her right mind would ever admit to turning 30. Happy 29th birthday!

Happy birthday. Time may heal all wounds, but it leaves you with saggy skin and crow's feet.

Happy birthday! Statistics show that people who keep celebrating birthdays live longer but eventually look worse than Keith Richards in the morning.

Happy birthday! Can you blow out all the birthday candles on your cake or should I call the fire department? 

Happy birthday! Don't be sad! Count your blessings, not your age spots.  

Happy birthday! You still have the face of  an angel. You don't look a day older than when you first bought it.

Happy birthday. You know you're getting old when you lose count midway through counting the candles on your birthday cake.

Happy birthday. Remember I promised to tell you when it was time to stop shopping at trendy teen stores? You do know there's a Walmart nearby?

Happy birthday! I'm not going to make fun of your age. I sincerely believe that it's wrong to mock old people like you.  

Happy birthday! On your special day, make time to play in your birthday suit. But first make sure it’s clean, wrinkle-free and doesn't smell weird.

Happy birthday! You can't pick your birthday, but you can pick your age. 

Happy birthday! You’ll know you're a grown-up...when your birthday cards no longer come with money.

Happy birthday! If, today, you're looking in the mirror and only see an old person staring back at you, look on the bright side. You still have excellent vision.

Happy birthday to a person who is truly brilliant, incredibly gorgeous, unbelievably funny and, quite luckily, has been blessed with my DNA.

Happy birthday! You'll know you're getting older...when your childhood nightmares, like missing a party, staying home on a Saturday night and going to bed early, actually sound amazing to you.

Happy birthday! You may not be over the hill but you have to admit you're starting to feel really woozy from the climb.

Happy birthday! Blowing out your birthday candles at your age is not a good idea. Your dentures may fly out of your mouth and knock someone out. 

Happy birthday! I wanted to get you something tremendous, something that just gets better and better every day, but I couldn't find a box big enough for me.

Happy birthday to my oldest friend! Didn't we always say getting older would be a real gas? Well, we were right. Excess gas and antacid tablets are the bane of our existence.

It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays will make you look like Jabba the Hutt. Happy birthday!

Happy birthday! Another year, another reason to curse the inventor of the first modern mirror. 

Sure, getting older is like a time travel movie in slow motion, but better slow than fast, I always say! I'm in no rush to get to the end of the film. Happy birthday!

You are only young and reckless once. In your case, once upon a time. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday! At your age, you can't decide what you need more somedays: six gallons of coffee, six shots of vodka or six naps.

Happy birthday! You have so many candles on your birthday cake that you can see them from outer space.

Happy birthday! May you live to be so old that your upper arms get so flabby and look like wings.

Happy birthday! At your age, you don't need me to remind you just how old you are. Your bladder reminds you before every trip to the bathroom overnight.

I just bought an old World War II relic. It made me think of you. Happy birthday! 

Happy birthday! This year, I was going to send your birthday wish in an actual greeting card. Instead, I reset my modem and got back my Internet connection.  

Happy birthday! Your birthday is the best excuse to start drinking before breakfast on a weekday.

Happy birthday! You're old enough to know better and too old to remember why.

Happy birthday! Remember when middle age seemed really ancient? I don't remember, either!

Happy birthday! Don't fret! It could be so much worse. In a decade, you will be 10 years older.

Happy birthday! When we were young, everything used to drive us up the wall. Now that we're older, there's actually a stair lift that literally does just that.

Happy birthday. Even though you now have hair growing out of places you never thought possible, you're not old. Just freakishly old.

Happy birthday! Another year older, another year of denying we now always look like we just woke up.

Happy birthday. Remember to wear your sunglasses when your cake comes out. Admit it, there are more candles than cake this year. 

Happy birthday! Don't think of it as your special day to mourn the loss of your youth. Think of it as one year closer to your government pension.

Always take your birthday wishes with a grain of salt...plus some lemon and, oh, a bottle of tequila. Happy birthday! Let's party!

Happy birthday! You have a right to act as young as you feel or as young as you can get away with.

Happy birthday. Be glad you're alive and greet each day with a smile…not false teeth and deep smile lines. 

Happy birthday! If you haven't started to act your age by now, stop trying. You look your age.

First, I would like to wish you a "happy birthday!" Now I will tell you why it isn't.

Happy birthday! As a kid, I taught you to walk, talk and play nice. Now that you're older,I wish you'd learn to sit still, keep quiet and make a nice living.

Happy birthday. With all the candles on your birthday cake, your heating bill should be pretty low this month.

Happy birthday. You know you're older than you think...when eating a bowl of cereal for supper is preferable to cooking dinner.

Happy birthday. It's great to be young, beautiful and energetic. You must miss those days!

Happy birthday. If you feel that you must lose weight, grab two pieces of your birthday cake (one in each hand) and, like magic, you'll be on a balanced diet!

Happy birthday. Your mind is still in good shape. You may be a little forgetful but at least you haven't forgotten that you're forgetful.

There's only one birthday that's truly bad: your last one! All the rest, it's been scientifically proven, are good for your health. Here's to another happy birthday.

Happy birthday! Age is merely a number. In your case, it's a freakishly humongous number.

Happy birthday! For you, the stone age must have a whole new meaning. I mean the gall, kidney and bladder stone age.

Happy birthday. Remember how excited you were as a kid whenever you had a birthday? Kids are stupid.

Happy birthday. As you get older, don't let your age get you down. It's too hard to get back up. 

Happy birthday. You know you're older than you think when you really start believing that 50 is the new 40! 

Happy birthday! Now that you’re getting older, your kids should respect you. After all, you graduated from high school and college without Google or Wikipedia. 

I know you hate birthdays but you should celebrate yours. Aren't most people your age dead? Happy birthday!

Happy birthday! You know you're older than you think when putting on lipstick and eyeliner is harder than exercising! 

Happy birthday! I can't wait for your special day to end, so we can celebrate the one that's really special — mine. 

Happy birthday! If age is all in our minds, why do we feel more and more aches and pains all over our bodies as we get older?

Happy birthday! Birthdays are nature's way of making sure we don’t get out of here alive.

Happy birthday! Did you turn up the heat or just light all the candles on your birthday cake?

Birthdays can be hazardous to your health. The more you have, the worse you look and feel and the less you see and hear.

Happy birthday! With age comes wisdom and grace. Better luck next year.

Birthdays are like drinking. After a few, you feel great. Too many, you feel like hell.

Happy birthday! The older you get, the richer I feel to have a friend like you (someone who's always happy to pick up the tab for dinner and drinks). 

Happy birthday! If only the good die young, I guess you're not such an angel after all!

Happy birthday! It's nice to have white teeth. Remember what yours used to look like? Me neither.

Happy birthday! At our age, the best gift to get is forgetfulness, so there’s no chance of remembering how old we are.

Happy birthday! If you are as young as you feel, you must be just a few aches and pains shy of your government pension.

Happy birthday! At your age, getting through the day requires extra fruit and vegetables in your diet (extra stalks of celery in your Bloody Mary, extra olives in your Martini and extra lime zest in your Margarita).

Happy birthday! Real friends like me are your friends for life or, given your age, as long as your memory holds out.

Happy birthday! If youth is like a long weekend on Friday night and middle age is like a long weekend on Monday afternoon, old age must be like a midnight snack on Sunday. 

Happy birthday! If getting older is an art, you must be a Picasso!

Happy birthday! The older you get, the easier it'll become to lie about your age (since you won't be able remember yours anyhow).

Happy birthday! Just be happy our birthday celebrations don't get bigger and bigger every year. At your age, we'd have to hold your party at a football stadium.

Happy birthday! You still have a few more good years before your age becomes a punch line.

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

- Jim Carrey

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

- Margaret Mead

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."

- Anthony Burgess

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

- Jack Benny

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

- Andy Rooney

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

- Woody Allen

"What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise."

- Jerome K. Jerome

"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."

- Erma Bombeck

"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything."

- Oscar Wilde

"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."

- Arthur Schopenhauer

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

– Arthur C. Clarke

"Adults are obsolete children."

- Dr. Seuss

"The people who live in a golden age usually go around complaining how yellow everything looks."

- Randall Jarrell

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

- George Carlin

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”

- Gertrude Stein

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

- Groucho Marx

"Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying."

- Ronald Reagan

"A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright."

- Lucille Ball

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

- Lucille Ball

“Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen."

- Jim Gaffigan

“Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons."

- Eli Cass

“The best years of a woman's life — the 10 years between 39 and 40."

- Anonymous

“Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed."

- Anthony Powell

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

- Steven Wright

“Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?"

- Bobby Kelton

“The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

- E. Joseph Cossman

"When I have a birthday, I take a day-off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off."

- Anonymous

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

 - Bob Hope

“My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."

- Jarod Kintz

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

- Bob Hope

“The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men."

- Colleen McCullough

“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody."

- George Burns

“No wonder I'm unhappy. My twin forgot my birthday."

- Jerry Dennis

“To my surprise, my 70s are nicer than my 60s and my 60s than my 50s, and I wouldn't wish my teens and 20s on my enemies."

- Lionel Blue

“As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."

- Norman Wisdom

“Age is a number and mine is unlisted."

- Anonymous

“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."

- Erma Bombeck

“To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am."

- Bernard Baruch

“There is still no cure for the common birthday."

- John Glenn

“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash."

- Sophie Tucker

“Inside every older person is a younger person — wondering what the hell happened."

- Cora Harvey Armstrong

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."

 - Larry Lorenzoni

“I binge when I'm happy. When everything is going really well, every day is like I'm at a birthday party."

- Kirstie Alley

"By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong."

- Charles Wadsworth

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

- Steven Wright

“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”

- Joey Adams

“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."

- Bob Hope

“People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.”

- Geoffrey Parfitt

“I guess I don't mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old.”

- Peter Gabriel

“Age mellows some people — others it makes rotten.”

- Anonymous

“I'm 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?”

- Barry Cryer

“There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it.”

- Patrick Moore

“You know you're getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.”

- John Mendoza

“As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.”

- Carrie Fisher

“As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.”

- Robert Quillen

“If you survive long enough, you're revered — rather like an old building.”

- Katherine Hepburn

“For the first half of your life, people tell you what you should do. For the second half, they tell you what you should have done.”

- Richard Needham

“I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.”

- Nancy Astor

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.”

- Claude Pepper

“You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.”

- Hy Gardner

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

- Joan Rivers

“I can't wait to tell my kids I was born before the Internet.”

- Anonymous

“Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of 30.”

- Robert Frost

"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."

- Charles Wadsworth

“In youth we run into difficulties. In old age difficulties run into us.”

- Beverly Sills

“Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.”

- Don Marquis

“The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of the blood.”

- Logan P. Smith

“Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.”

- Harold Coffin

“I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.”

- Bob Hope

“He has a profound respect for old age. Especially when it's bottled.”

- Gene Fowler

"A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory."

- Mark Twain

“As men get older, the toys get more expensive.”

- Marvin Davis

“Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.”

- Luis Bunuel

"I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.”

- Josh Billings

“A well-adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.”

- Anonymous

“Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.”

- Bill Vaughan

"After 30, a body has a mind of its own."

- Bette Midler

“Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up."

- John Wagner

Happy birthday, Mom! Don't worry about getting older. You are still stunning enough for creepy middle-aged men to mistake us for sisters.

To an amazing mother who clothed me, fed me and put a roof over my head. I only have one question: can we continue doing the exact same thing? Happy birthday, Mom!

Happy birthday, Mom! Thank you for giving me everything I ever needed and wanted, especially your DNA. I look marvelous!

Happy birthday from your loving kid! Sorry that you have to put up with so much babyish behavior all year-round, but Dad can't help himself.

Happy birthday, Mom! You're the greatest mother alive. You do everything great. Now can you make my bed (and maybe a sandwich)?

Happy birthday, Mom. As your favorite child, I don't really have to give you a birthday gift, but I will anyway. My presence.

Happy birthday to a mom who physically carried me for nine months before my birth and probably will do the same, financially speaking, the rest of her life.

Happy birthday, Mom! Getting into trouble all these years would not have meant as much to me if you weren't there to point it out.

Happy birthday, Mom. I will not make fun of your age, since I sincerely feel very sorry for you.

Happy birthday, Mom. May we argue over every little detail of my life for many decades to come.

Happy birthday, Mom! You and I have the perfect child-mother relationship. You're my mother and I'm the perfect child.

Happy birthday, Mom. May we always be blessed with many years of micro-managing each other's lives.

Happy birthday, Mom. I find it quite unnecessary to celebrate the day you came into the world, considering your mother did all the work at the time.

Happy birthday, Mom! You're beautiful, smart, funny, incredible and creative. Isn't it amazing how alike we are?

Happy birthday, Mom! Don't just count your years. Lie about them.

Mom, it's your birthday and I was thinking about an all-inclusive Caribbean holiday. Can you take care of my dog while I'm away? Thanks and have a happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Mom! It would be so much easier for me and more meaningful for you if I could wish you "Happy Birthday" on Facebook.

Wishing you a birthday filled with as much attention, praise and encouragement as I receive from you each day of the year.

Happy birthday, Mom! Today, you've reached a stage in your life when you wake up the same time you once went to bed every weekend.

Happy birthday, Mom! You should celebrate the fact that you have more candles on your birthday cake than grey hair.

Happy birthday, Mom, from your favorite child, not your practice children.

Happy birthday to a mother who is old enough to remember visiting the ladies room without a smartphone.

Happy birthday, Mom! I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you've done for me, and will continue to do for me in the years to come.

Happy birthday to a mom so fabulous that I don't need Facebook to remind me that it's your birthday!

Happy birthday from your only child (I hope).

Happy birthday, Dad. Thank you for being there to pay for the TV that made me what I am today.

Happy birthday, Dad. The older I get, the brighter you seem to be.

Happy birthday, Dad. You must be getting younger, because I'm starting to look just like you.

Happy birthday, Dad. I promise to give you grandchildren who will, like me, live in your basement.

Happy birthday, Dad. I know you just plugged into the Internet, but you don't have to print out your emails to read them.

Happy birthday, Dad. I wouldn't trade you for anything, unless I get a better offer.

Happy birthday, Dad. I got you a t-shirt that says "Silence is Golden." Wear it when Mom asks you if she's fat.

Happy birthday, Dad. I'd like to give you what you want as a gift, but moving out is not an option.

Happy birthday to a father who has passed on the art of burping in mixed company.

Happy birthday, Dad. It makes me smile that you're my father. It makes me laugh that you have no choice in the matter.

Happy birthday, Dad. This year's gift is letting you invest in my unemployment for another 12 months.

Happy birthday to a father who makes a "fashion statement" whenever he wears socks with sandals.

Happy birthday, Dad. You really should thank me for teaching you how to spend your money.

Happy birthday from your favorite child (not the ones who disappoint you every day).

Happy birthday to a father who had to experience the  unfathomable hardships of a life without Google.

Happy birthday to this planet's greatest farter (I mean, father).

Happy birthday to a father who thinks "LOL" stands for "lots of love."

Happy birthday, Dad. When I was born, everybody immediately thought I looked just like you. Bald.

Happy birthday, Dad. Like any decent father, you've taught me the basics of life: honesty, courage, accountability, responsibility and, most of all, the importance of stealth farts.

Happy birthday, Dad. When I was a kid, I used to think you were Superman. Now that I'm older, I realize that you just like to walk around in your red underwear.

Happy birthday to a dad who thinks selfies of his butt are high art.

Happy birthday, Dad. Thanks for reminding me all through my childhood that taking out the garbage for you "builds character." 

Happy birthday to a father who knew long before I did that money doesn't grow on trees — it comes from the deep recesses of your pockets.

Happy birthday, Dad. To me, today is the most important day of the year (after my birthday, Mom's birthday, Labor Day, Mother's Day, New Year's Day and, of course, National Nothing Day).

Happy birthday, Dad. I can honestly say that you are definitely one of my favorite parents.

Happy birthday, Dad. I know you just discovered the smartphone, but stop signing your text messages with your name.

Happy birthday, Dad. We've done everything together for years, so I can't remember which one of us is the bad influence.

Happy birthday, Dad. I googled "World's Greatest Dad" and your name did not show up until Page 200.

Happy birthday, Dad. When I say that you should never change, I don't mean your underwear and socks.

Happy birthday, Dad. The more candles on my cake, the brighter you appear to be. Clearly, the older I get, the smarter you seem to be.

Happy birthday, Dad. If you ever need a place to live, I will find the perfect nursing home for you.

Happy birthday to a father who still does not realize that cargo shorts went the way of the Macarena.

Happy birthday, my dear friend. If you think your age is just too hard to swallow, just add a few swigs of vodka to your celebration.

Happy birthday to an incredible friend. Don't worry about getting older. You're younger than my VCR.

Happy birthday to an amazing friend. Today, I hereby find you guilty of turning a year older! Your life sentence: another birthday next year to complain about.

Happy birthday, my best friend. Well, you're not as loaded as you expected to be by this age, so let's get a different kind of loaded tonight.

Happy birthday to a friend who is fortunate enough to have the very best friend on this planet! Me. I'm jealous!

Abracadabra! Sorry, didn't work. Nope, you’re not getting any younger. Happy birthday, anyway!

Happy birthday, pal! Don't stand so close to your birthday cake. You may get a sunburn.

Happy birthday, my dear friend! Congratulations, you've now reached the age when most of us start acting and looking like our parents.

Happy birthday, my dear old friend! Maybe it's time to start counting your age in dog years.

Happy birthday to the best friend ever! Today, you made me a very happy person. I'm no longer the oldest in the room!

Happy birthday, BFF. Many years ago today, you came into this world (around the prehistoric age, before the Internet)!

Happy birthday, pal! You may not be old but I still have to use college math to count up to your age!

Happy birthday, BFF! You were born during a time known to humankind as the dark ages (before smartphones).

Happy birthday! Today, my dearest friend, you should count your blessings, not your birthday candles! You have more blessings than time!

Happy birthday, BFF! Age isn't such a big issue to me! For you, yeah, I'd say so!

Happy birthday to a friend who has stuck by me through thick and thin. In my case, just thick (around the waist).

Happy birthday! Now you can tell me what it’s like to be the oldest here!

My friend, there's something different about you today! I know: your old age! Happy birthday!

Happy birthday! Your very presence makes me so happy! Thanks for being older than me.

Happy birthday! When I look at you, I think of a much simpler time, like before the invention of anti-aging serum!

Happy birthday! Here's to a person who knows how to stay young. In other words, you know when to lie about your age. 

Happy birthday! You haven't changed a bit in all these years. Actually, you've changed quite a bit.

Happy birthday! I suppose that this is the year you should start lying about your age.

Happy birthday! At your age, you really do not have to worry about temptation because it is no longer tempted by you.

Happy birthday, BFF! At your age, you will finally discover the reason the word “birthday” ends with the letter "Y".

Happy birthday! Today, you've graduated into middle age, so you will never, ever pass a bathroom again without using it!

Happy birthday, BFF! Today, most of your friends will say that you still look young. Those people are not your friends!

Happy birthday! You may be dreading the day you turn into a doppelganger of your parents. Don’t worry, that day has already come!

Happy birthday! If you want to feel young and thin again, let’s hang out with your parents and their friends at McDonald's.

Happy birthday! This is your special day – the day you start to remove your age from every social network profile.

Happy birthday, Mom! Sometimes I open my mouth, and I hear you speaking through me. It's one of the many ways you continue to inspire me every day.

Happy birthday. For your special day, I was going to give you a "Get Well" card. I know you're not sick, but you could always be better.

In lieu of a birthday gift, I've made a donation in your name. I bought myself a new wardrobe with your credit card. Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, baby brother. Sorry for all the times I made you dress up like my Barbie.

Happy birthday, bro. Sorry for convincing you that you once had a twin brother that Mom and Dad lost at the shopping mall.

Happy birthday, bro! You may be cool and have a cool life, but don't get too cool. I was there when you went through your dork period.

Happy birthday to the second favorite kid of Mom and Dad.

Happy birthday, bro! I'm smiling because you're my brother. I'm laughing because you don't have any choice.

Happy birthday, bro. I wanted to get you a present that's funny, smart and beautiful. Then, I remembered you already have that: me.

Happy birthday, big brother. Thank you for being older than me. Always.

Happy birthday to my favorite brother. My only brother.

Happy birthday, bro. Your special day is the most important day of the year for me (after my birthday, Black Friday and Cyber Monday).

Happy birthday, sis. Sorry for all the times I told my friends you were adopted.

Happy birthday, sis! No matter how cool you get in life, I'll always be there to remind you of your dork phase.

Happy birthday, sis. Sorry for persuading you that you once had a twin sister that Mom and Dad lost while shopping one day.

Happy birthday to Mom and Dad's second favorite kid (after me, of course)

Happy birthday, big sister. Thank you for being older than me. Now and forever.

Happy birthday, sis! A smile comes to my face every day because you're my sister. That's usually followed by uncontrollable giggling because you don't have a choice in the matter.

Happy birthday to my favorite sister. My only sister.

Happy birthday, sis. To me, your birthday is the greatest day of the year (after my birthday, Super Bowl Sunday and Friday the 13th).

Happy birthday, sis. Today, I wanted to give you a funny, smart and beautiful gift. Then, I remembered that I give you this gift every day of the year: me.